minds, metaphors and (ethical) manipulation
Posts tagged listen
Getting results from really listening
Jan 23rd
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When you really listen, what results do you get? You might be pleasantly surprised.
In a recent post I suggested you try a “two-minute listen” with a good friend or family member. Did you try it? If so, what happened?
Students on my online learning programme tried it out recently. At first, some had struggled. But after a little more practice, they were very excited by their results.
- A father had tried a “listening exchange” with his 12-year-old daughter, after her teachers reported that she was having difficulty staying focussed in class. They both enjoyed it so much that it had become a nightly bedtime ritual. Not only had the daughter’s classroom attention improved, but so had the father-daughter relationship. Dad felt he knew his daughter much better – and that she understood him, too.
- One woman learned something new about her husband’s personality, after several years of marriage – and another had learned a lot about the internal workings of aircraft (her husband’s hobby). But both had discovered they loved listening! Quietening their own thoughts and putting their full More >
Are you a good listener? How do you know?
Jan 13th
Are you a good listener? Whether you think you are or not – how would you know?
It’s slightly alarming to realise that if you’re NOT a good listener, you probably won’t be aware of that fact!
As James Borg points out in his bestselling book Persuasion, it’s one of those things that people are often criticised for – but behind their backs.
Think about it – would you try to tell someone he was a poor listener? And would he listen?
Here’s an experiment. Offer to listen to someone – a good friend or family member, perhaps – for two minutes, as they talk about something that’s important to them.
Your job is to keep them talking, without speaking. If they stop talking, stay silent and wait for them to start again.
You can nod or make encouraging sounds, but:
- DON’T ask any questions
- DON”T offer your opinion
- DON”T start telling your story of when something similar happened to you…
- In short, DON’T interrupt!
Now set your phone’s stopwatch (really!) and do the listening!
Then ask your “listenee” how they found the experience.
For many people, it’s the longest they’ve been listened to in years! Even though it’s an unfamiliar experience, most people enjoy being listened to – it makes them feel very special.
And More >
The great trick of public speaking
Jan 11th
I wonder, have you ever considered buying a book or a course on public speaking? That’s something a lot of people do – and there’s a less-than-obvious reason for it.
As I mentioned in my recent report, Seven Intelligent Ways to Influence and Persuade, many sales and persuasion trainers put the cart before the horse.
They pretty much all agree that a structure for effective persuasion is: 1. Find out what the other person wants, and 2. Demonstrate how you can fulfil this desire.
And then they all put their focus on the second part – on speaking and presentation skills.
It makes perfect sense from their commercial point of view. Most people are know they are nervous of public speaking – and they are prepared to spend a lot of cash to try to change that.
So for the “persuasion gurus’, selling a product which promises to help you overcome the fear of public speaking is a solid business move.
However, it may not be the best way to help you, their customer, to get better results when you need to persuade someone to do what you want them to – such as buy your product. That’s the big trick that’s being played on you.
In More >
The 2 Lazy Jedi questions and the NLP Meta Model
Nov 15th
Posted by Judy in Clean Language
If you’re familiar with NLP before you encounter the 2 Lazy Jedi questions (which are based on David Grove’s Clean Language) you might wonder about the relationship between these questions and an NLP questioning system, the Meta Model.
The two systems are similar in a couple of ways: that they are questioning systems, for example, and that they can be used to clarify what someone really means by what they say. They frequently help the person discover things they hadn’t previously realised about their own thinking. The questioner uses the person’s own words in their questions. And John Grinder’s newer version of the Meta Model contains just two questions, too!
However, there are significant differences. These are the ones I’ve noticed so far – please comment with your ideas.
Compared to the original NLP Meta Model, the 2 Lazy Jedi questions are:
- Easier to learn. Just two very simple questions, in ordinary English. The Meta Model can easily take all day to introduce.
- More flexible. These two questions can be applied in almost any situation – you don’t need to work out what kind of statement you’ve just heard before deciding what question to ask, as you would in the Meta Model.
- Easier to use. Your focus More >
Listening, attention and fortune-telling
Feb 7th
What happens when you pay someone exquisite attention? It seems to me that the effects can be truly “magical”.
A few months ago, my partner had his running gait analysed by someone on an exhibition stand. The guy used a battery of gizmos, but central to his approach was attention – he worked with Steve for more than half an hour before “prescribing” some orthotic shoe inserts costing more than £200. Steve wore the inserts for several weeks, completely convinced they were helping his backache… until a chiropractor friend told him that the prescription was the wrong way round (that’s her most charitable interpretation).
Interestingly, Steve remains convinced that the guy at the exhibition was a genuine expert. “Something in my body must have changed,” he says.
That’s the power of giving someone exquisite, undivided attention; treating them as if they are the most important person in the world. They’ll trust you recommendations implicitly, even in the face of opposing evidence.
Fortune tellers also have this knack. They have to pay full attention for “cold reading” techniques to work! And if “there’s something in it”, then that something will invariably be blended with an ability to pay exquisite attention to the client.
Of course, the More >
