Do you ever struggle to work out what your nearest and dearest would like? It’s not that surprising, really. Because lots of people don’t know what they want themselves – at Christmas or at any time of year.

It’s a constant theme in my coaching work. For example, one of the things I most love to do is to help coaches and other people-helpers to find their “Sweet Spot” – the place where their unique skills, experience, knowledge and passion coincide with the needs of people who want to pay them.

A few of these clients start by knowing exactly what they want to do, and are only wondering how to make it pay. But the majority have just a hazy sense of not wanting to continue doing what they are doing, and of wanting to help people somehow… until the coaching process brings their ideal future to life.

Getting clear about what you really want seems to be one of the things that Clean Language coaching is particularly useful for. That’s probably because of a model created by Penny Tompkins and James Lawley, the Framework for Change.

The model starts by acknowledging how tricky it can be to get someone to state their desired outcome in positive terms – in contrast to SMART outcomes and similar models, where that issue is brushed aside.

Then it distinguishes between three kinds of likely answers to the Clean Language question: “What would you like to have happen?”

  1. Problem: for example “I’m miserable in my current job”
  2. Remedy: for example “I want to leave my job”
  3. Outcome: for example: “I want a new career as a coach and trainer”

and provides stock responses for each of them:

  1. “And when <problem>, what would you like to have happen?” (the question nicknamed The Power Switch)
  2. “And when <remedy happens>, what happens next?”
  3. “What kind of <outcome or part of outcome>?” (or any other Clean developing question).

So, how to apply this to Christmas? You could practice The Power Switch with the family when discussing the kind of Christmas you’d all enjoy. For example:

  • Your mum: “I hate people arguing.”
  • You: “And when you hate people arguing, what would you like to have happen?”

The “remedy” pattern is a little more tricky: I’ll write about that another day. But The Power Switch alone can have amazing impact.

That’s because trying to get the family to “not argue” is like sending someone to the supermarket on Christmas Eve with a list of the things you don’t want. They’re at least as likely to come back with a jumble of tinsel-trimmed seasonal sugary things than with the turkey and vegetables.

When you think and talk in positive terms about what you actually want, rather than what you don’t want, the energy shifts, and it becomes much easier for people to join forces in pursuit of a common goal. And if you can get the central characters in your Christmas story to do the same, the results can be magical.

  • I’d love to know what happens when you try this. Please comment below.