Archive for May, 2010

Listening to your elephant

May 27th

If you’ve ever slept in, texted your ex at midnight, tried to stop smoking and failed… it could be time for a chat with your Elephant.

In Switch, Chip and Dan Heath use a metaphor from The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt, in which the subconscious mind is described as an Elephant, and the the rational, conscious mind as its Rider.

The Heaths say: “Perched atop the Elephant, the Rider holds the reins and seems to be the leader. But the Rider’s control is precarious because the Rider is so small relative to the Elephant. Anytime the six-ton Elephant and the Rider disagree about which direction to go, the Rider is going to lose. He’s completely overmatched.

“Most of us are all too familiar with situations in which our Elephant overpowers our Rider. You’ve experienced this is you’ve ever slept in, dialled up your ex at midnight, procrastinated, tried to quit smoking and failed, skipped the gym, gotten angry and said something you regretted, abandoned your Spanish or piano lessons, refused to speak up in a meeting because you were scare, and so on. Good thing no one is keeping score.”

They add: “Changes often fail because the Rider simply can’t keep the Elephant on More >

How fast thinking can block effective listening, and what you can do about it

May 13th

Posted by Judy in Listening

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People can think four or five times faster than they can speak. So when someone thinks they’re listening, what is their mind actually doing?

According to James Borg in his bestseller Persuasion: The Art of Influencing People, the average person speaks at 120 – 150 words per minute, but thinks at 600 – 800 words per minute. So the listener is always ahead of the person doing the talking.

Fast thinking is usually regarded as a good thing – but not when you should be listening! Here, it means that the listener’s mind has time to wander, to make new connections… and to start planning what they will say next.

And so, before the speaker has come close to finishing the point they are making, the “listener” is poised to:

Interrupt
Finish the other person’s sentence
Talk over the other person
Offer advice too soon.

No wonder so many relationships – both personal and at work – break down with the complaint: “You never listen to me!”

Borg says: “Of all aspects of communication, listening is the most important…

“Think about somebody you know who isn’t a good listener. Who, in fact, never seems to listen to anything you say. Frustrating, isn’t it? And how does it make you feel More >